The adventures of a wine connoisseur

‘I don’t like reds’ I told Katie and then had another sip of my fancy drink. The second time was no better.

I think it’s called the law of diminishing returns. It’s the idea that each added unit of a good will produce less utility than the previous one. In plain English it means that the first £100 are amazing and mean that you won’t starve today but if you’re raking in £100,000 then another £100 means nothing to you.

However, the opposite is true when it comes to alcohol. It gets better and better the more you consume it. That wasn’t the case with the reds. And I tried a couple of them. I went to Georgia, Turkey, Chili, New Zealand, Argentina etc. They were all awful.

At Vinopolis they have this app you can use to figure out what your taste profile is. The bro-science behind it suggests that my preference for flavors is “Rich and Rounded”. Naturally, I put that hypothesis to the test and quickly found myself in front of the rich and rounded wines.

Just like that hot blond girl taught us, I figured I need to do my wine-tasting properly. So I did the stirring, the smelling, the evil eye and the slurping. I think I was quite good at the evil eye – a natural one might say. For the ones who don’t know that’s when you look at the wine in the glass and pretend to look for a hidden treasure, once you find it, you do an “aha” face and drink that shiraz like a pro. It was quite entertaining really.

The thing I sucked at was slurping. Bits of wine managed to travel down my throat whilst I was looking stupid and then suppressing the cough-reflex. Not my cup of tea. It looks easy but it takes many years of practice to perfect.

Germany. I love Germany. The wines which used Gewürztraminer (Roter Traminer) grapes were amazing! This shouldn’t be a surprise though because the Germans know their beer. They also know how to make some proper wine. The game changer here was color as well. The whites were so much better.

Don’t get me wrong, some of the white wines were just as rubbish as the reds. My favourite is the Paulinshof, Brauneberger Juffer Riesling Kabinett 2014.


Clearly because 2014 was a good year and the vintage was wicked.

BroTip. They had a bunch of staff there as well who were keen to answer any questions and suggest wines for us to try. Every now and then they’d walk up to you with one or two wine bottles and ask you if you’ve tried these. You of course need to say ‘no, but I’d love to’, to maximize the amount of fancy wine per hour ratio. It was amazing!

The advisers were keen on popping some corks (there was five of us altogether). So we finished with the wines and decided to hit the champagne bar. We were a bit tipsy already and the champagne did its magic from zero to sixty in three point five. We had such a good time!

By the way Vinopolis is closing down some time in December this year. Rumor says they will have fancy wine at massive discounts towards the end of the year. Go check it out.


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