A sales pitch like no other

The pitch! I’m selling my car and I thought that I didn’t just want to list its specs in the ad. I decided to do a bit more work. With the help of my friend Google and the genius of my brain I came up with what is surely a world class sales pitch. It deserves every advertising prize out there.

Without further ado:

Festiva (1)

My dear mainstream carlover, who’s always dreamed of a fancy BMW, Mercedes or Lexus or some other peace of sh*t. Stop being a f*g and forget about all that cr*p. Instead, buy a good never-fail old-school p*ssymagnet – Ford Festiva 1997.

This car has a massive state of the art 1.5 litre petrol engine. This ride will ensure you will blast ahead of all your enemies like a boss. Hot chicks will salute you “sieg heil”-style with their erected nipples because you are their “führer”. Never worry again about seducing a hitchhiker because they will all want you, because you are cool… and you really are… because you drive a Festiva.


The specifications:

* According to a recent study, the roar of the engine is just as sexy as Vin Diesel’s voice after 3 days of drinking.

* This car came out of the Bangladesh factory in 1997 which is a remarkable year. You can tell all your friends about your car’s history because in 1997:

** Diana, Princess of Wales, was killed in a car crash in Paris, the only survivors drove a Festiva

** El Nino forms in the oceans between Australia causing unstable weather conditions including hurricanes and drought in the Southern Hemisphere and colder temperatures in the North but no Ford Festiva owner was affected by it.

** Mike Tyson bites Evander Holyfield’s ear during a match and is suspended from boxing. In a recent interview Mike told his fans how much he loved his Festiva which had more than enough room for his boxing gloves in the glove compartment.

** Tiger Woods at 21 years of age became the youngest ever golfer to win the Masters, he drove a Ford Festiva to the match.

** Steve Jobs returns to run Apple Computers, also driving a Festiva. He and Tiger used to carpool.


* 4 brand new tires

* Brand new battery with 2 year replacement warranty

* 3 new wipers

* New oil filter and engine oil

* Replaced brake fluid

* TomTom GPS

* Rego until 20 May 2014

* Safety Certificate / RWC included


Best to contact me between 3PM and 9PM.

If you are from Africa and try to scam me, do not waste my time because I will swim across the ocean and find you in your dirty hut and slap your face with an ultimate punch right to the face.



Pulitzer here I come…

Ivar the greatest salesman in the world


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